name your favorite modern pharisee...

def. pharisee a hypocritically self-righteous person

who on the radar these days fits into this definition and is your favorite?

i'll start with three:

1. Pastor Gary Cass of the Christian Anti-Defamation League
2. Rush Limbaugh
3. Sarah Palin

man, that was difficult narrowing it down to three. there are so many choices...


if you don't want to vomit, don't click on the links i provided. i just couldn't bring myself to put one in for Palin.

weekender...

remember the old astute question, "What did you do with the money your mother gave you for singing lessons?"

well here's a better one:

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

_____________________________________

And the best for last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

THINK ABOUT IT!

MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.....

and just why is it that we need lawyers?

just asking...

monday morning mayhem...

a late morning addition that i just couldn't pass up.

of course it's a blonde joke...


During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "Duh, it has to be at least 8 characters long...."

monday morning mayhem...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?



The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same m onastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..



That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?




The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.





The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236, 284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.





The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?


The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, ! this one made of sapphire . And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...


...silver, topaz, and amethyst.



Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .





The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight










... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.







DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!

damn...

weekender...

TOP 17 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED FOR HALLOWEEN FROM WATCHING SCARY MOVIES:

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.

NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

and last but not least...

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!



why do people never learn?

this is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY...

NOT TRUE...

89%How Addicted to Apple Are You?

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

it lies...

it should be 100%!

monday morning mayhem...

lost my greeter job at Wal*Mart...

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day........

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work...


you might have to think this one through...

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants.... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.


so..., how many times did you have to read it before you understood? tell the truth.

you may be a blonde and not know it...




emergency preparedness...

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!


i know what you're thinking...

another blonde joke! right?



Maxx says - no comment

weekender...

Nurses are not supposed to laugh...



"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor Laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.


how embarrassing, but i wonder who was more embarrassed?

Slap Your Coworker Day...

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is today, October 23rd!!

October 23rd is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:





Do you have a co- worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce

SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!*

Here are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed... other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping on October 23rd... and have a great slapping day!


*note: they also have extended this beyond just co-workers - republicans are fair game too...

ummm, i hope you understand that this is a joke, right?

well, except the part about the republicans...

weekender...

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied..... "The balcony."

i'm not sure where i'm living anymore...

this is for real; it is not a joke -

Louisiana magistrate denies marriage license to interracial couple

A justice of the peace in northern Louisiana has refused to grant a marriage license to an interracial couple because he believes it would harm any children born of that relationship.

“I’m not a racist,” Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in the state's Tangihapoa Parish, told the Hammond, Louisiana, Daily Star. “I do ceremonies for black couples right here in my house. My main concern is for the children.”

October 15, 2009, Raw Story

"I'm not a racist?" "I'm not a racist?"

then WTF is he?

as an officer of the law, has he never heard of Loving v Virginia, 1967?

it is a 9-0 decision by the Supreme Court that struck down Virginia's miscegenation law and, consequently, all of laws like it in the country.

i had to read the story twice.

with all the crap that is going on in this country since January 21, 2009, i'm really not sure where i am anymore...

gratuitous blonde joke...

haven't had one in a long time. this one was worth the wait.


One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink...

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand.. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this)

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a
police dog!'




you just knew who would get excited about this one...

monday morning mayhem...

I just got a call from a charity asking me to donate some clothes to the starving people throughout the world

I told them to f*** off!

Anybody who can fit into my clothes ain't starving...!


sometimes i just want to
slap the s*** out of him...

Living Will...

Last night, my partner and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

He's such an ass...

understanding the ocean at age 6...

- Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.... - Becky, age 6

- A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.... - Billy, age 6

- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.... - Kylie, age 6

- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.... - Kelly, age 6

- When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.... Kevin, age 6


so wise... especially Kevin.

JFK Hates Democracy...

i was watching the two-part series on the Discovery Channel, JFK: 3 Shots That Changed America, earlier this evening, and at the beginning i struck by something that i saw in vintage film that was being shown.

the footage was of JFK & Jackie getting ready to board Air Force One in Fort Worth for the short flight to Dallas. The date was November 22, 1963.

in the crowd of mostly well wishers and people that were excited to see the President and First Lady was a man in a fedora and trench coat. he was holding a large sign that said:

JFK Hates Democracy

this film was shot approximately 2-3 hours before Mr. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas.

this was 1963. a time when the country was portrayed as having a mission to repel the evils of communism and socialism, and here, standing in the crowd, was a man spewing the same type of hate we are seeing in this country now with President Obama.

it was eerie. it was unbelievable to me when i first saw it on the television. i was 17 at the time and i never saw this kind of thing back then.

the one thing different between 1963 and today is that the monsters who are spreading this hate today are more virulent and actually calling for the impeach and assassination of a President of the United States out loud ans supported and egged on by people who claim to be patriots and members of the media.

sad news...

i was a bit shocked when i read this morning that Stephen Gately from the group Boyzone was found dead in his hotel room. he was only 33.

the group was the inspiration for the first half of the title of this blog. it's an Andrew Lloyd Webber song from the musical Whistle Down the Wind.

the first time i heard the song was in a performance by the group celebrating Webber's birthday at Royal Albert Hall. Stephen is the lead in the performance and the song instantly struck a chord in me, definitely because of personal struggles. it has meant a lot to me ever since.

as i said, it was the muse for the first half of the blog title - no matter what...